One of my favorite topics to study and talk about is family resilience. So many families go through SO MUCH and still manage to remain united and develop strong bonds, while others start to fall apart and feel their relationships fray over time. Personally, I want to be in the first category – and I want to help other families do the same! With that in mind, let’s talk about a fairly common situation that can really stress family relationships – long distance parenting. Whether it be for work, military service, school, or something else, many families experience temporary physical separation and have to figure out how to stay emotionally connected. Some other day, we will talk about staying connected in marriage long-distance and supporting college kids and missionaries who live far away, but today, let’s talk about building strong connections between parents who live away from their little kids.
Our Story
In what can now be considered “many” years ago, our family had some tricky job/house stuff happen that required my husband to live and work in a different state than the rest of us for 19 months. We were able to visit back and forth a few times, but there were some (very) long stretches of being apart. It was not anybody’s favorite thing to have Dad far away…in fact, most days we hated it more than we tolerated it. However, overall, we still thrived as a family unit despite the distance. Through trial and error, we found many ways to include Dad in the kids’ daily life and stay united in our marriage.
Ideas for Staying Close to Your Littles
For those who find themselves in a similar situation, here are some of the things that really helped our kids build and maintain close relationships with their Dad from far away:
1.) Daily activities and meal times. Dad tapped in via camera for morning and evening prayers, scripture study, Family Home Evenings, bedtime, meal time, and anything else we could manage. Often we chatted with him about daily stuff around the dinner table or got ready to go somewhere while video chatting. He showed the kids around his temporary apartment, office, etc. via video as well.
2.) Play dates. Dad bought himself some toys (Octonauts were the big deal around here back then) so he and our preschooler could “play” together via video. We mailed Dad various projects that we were doing at home so he could do them, too (such as a crystal growing kit), and compare notes. The kids also mailed de-constructed Lego creations with their hand-drawn instructions for Dad to put together.
3.) Reading books. In a stroke of pure genius, Dad bought duplicate books for himself and the little kids so they could read together at night. I can’t stress how much the kids loved this…to turn the pages of a beloved book and hear their dad read it out loud to them before bed helped my littlest boys relax and feel safe when their world had been turned completely upside down.
3.) Celebrations. One of the harder things about our situation was that Dad missed so many birthdays. However, he made a special effort to send special birthday gifts, and we video chatted with him for all parties, birthday meals, etc. On his birthday, we sent him a box of gifts and supplies to make the same cake we were having so we could all celebrate “together”.
4.) Coordinated meals. Sometimes, if we planned ahead, we would coordinate our meal menus so we could all eat the same thing while we video chatted at meal times. It was a very small detail, but helped Dad not feel so separate from our family.
5.) Family councils and father’s interviews. We planned together as a family every Sunday night, even putting Dad’s activities on our family calendar. He spent time on the phone with each child regularly, asking about how they were doing and what they needed help with.
6.) Sports. Dad was used to being very involved in the sports scene, and the kids had a hard time not having his support and input in real time. However, a few things helped:
- I regularly took the kids to a nearby gym to play basketball with Dad on video chat. With a speaker hooked up to my phone, he could coach the kids on their technique while they practiced.
- We live streamed games when possible, or at least sent photos, videos, and updates throughout all games so Dad knew what was going on
- After every game, no matter how late they got back, the kids would call their dad to debrief. He was a great sounding board and always had good feedback
- The BEST thing we ever did, though…was when we surprised the kids with an unexpected visit from Dad at a basketball tournament. Never underestimate real life contact, when possible!
What About You?
Has your family ever been geographically separated from each other for a period of time? What are your best tips for helping other families stay connected?
Feeding Giants 