Feeding Giants

(Disclaimer: I’m not a mental health professional. These are my opinions and not intended to diagnose or treat anybody in any way.)

This semester, my grad school classes have focused on some pretty heavy topics – forced migration, refugees, genocide, violence, abuse, etc. – all through the lens of how they affect families and children. Interestingly, EDUCATION comes up time and again as a critical factor in both healing trauma and building resilience in children. Besides the obvious benefit of, you know, the actual education part of education, school (in any form) also provides a haven of normalcy and hope for kids.

I have seen so many social media posts lately encouraging parents to “not do school” during shelter-at-home:”It’s not your job, you aren’t trained for this,” “Your child needs you to be their parent, not their teacher,” “Not doing school won’t hurt anything in the long run,” “Kids should be focused on being relaxed and just playing right now,” and “You never signed up to be a homeschooler.” Now, I trust that the majority of parents know their kids and can make good decisions about what’s best for them. If you subscribe to one of these philosophies, you go right ahead. However, I want to point out that extended periods of time in a state of out-of-the-ordinary move from “this is new and fun” to “this is stressful and scary” pretty rapidly, especially for young kids. And friends, this IS a stressful, weird, out-of-the-ordinary time. This is not the same as choosing to homeschool so you can educate your kids in a different way – you are still in the public school system, but not IN it right now. There is a loss attached to the free time gained.

School, in whatever form, is a child’s NORMAL. Kids judge the passing of their lives by the grade they are in and orient their days by a school schedule. Nearly every child in America (and beyond) has now been forcibly removed from their daily routine and banned from sports, activities, stores, parties, and playdates…some even from regular meals and caring adults. For many of us, this change brought some great benefits…but it is still a change, and change brings stress. We can’t assume that the way to help relieve stress in this situation is to remove the stress of school…this is different than summer vacation. Kids need to feel normal and know that they are still moving forward in their learning…not because their educational growth depends on it, but because their mental health might benefit from it.

Please, please don’t disregard the importance of regular school work for your child’s well-being right now.

As I said in my last post, I don’t think we need to recreate school to “do school” at home…but we can definitely make efforts to connect kids to their normal and form a reliable daily routine. Here are a few ideas:

*Encourage kids to participate in whatever connecting activities are offered by their teacher/school: Google classroom, Zoom meetings, phone calls, etc. Younger kids, especially, may benefit from contact with their teacher every once in a while – this is an important person in their life! This week, my elementary kids’ teachers started some Zoom classes and phone calls…I have noticed my kids have been MUCH less agitated and more relaxed after having some contact with their teachers and classmates. I didn’t realize that my kindergartener had been worrying about his teacher being alone and missing her students too much (since he probably thinks she lives at school) until he asked her on the phone! He was very relieved to hear that she was ok.

*Create some structure to your day – resist the temptation to go into total summer mode. For us, that means a consistent wake-up time (although later than a normal school day…we are taking advantage of some extra sleep!) and a consistent “school” time with consistent school activities every day. An easy check might be — do weekdays and weekends still feel different?

*Don’t underestimate your abilities. You don’t have to be a teacher to communicate the importance of education and help your child consistently complete their work. And guess what? Figuring out where to find answers to things you don’t know how to do is a really important lifeskill…the process of figuring it out and finding resources to help you might be the most important thing you teach your child.

*Don’t brush off the “easy” stuff your child’s teacher sent home. Remember, the benefits of school aren’t just related to the work…even busy work can help your child maintain a sense of normalcy (and success).

*Respect that school is a child’s “job”…and they all basically just got laid off. See schoolwork as an opportunity for continuity, a chance to maintain a connection to their job, and to FEEL NORMAL!

What are you doing to help your family feel “normal” during a majorly unnormal time? Share your successes and ideas in the comments!